It is Thursday night and, as is our custom, we have gathered for prayer. John, my 12-year old son, lifts his voice as he makes his approach to the Throne of Grace. His sister Grace, sitting beside him, also lifts her voice in support of him, as he carries our requests to the Father.
I am not exactly sure of what he said that caught my attention, but something did. I opened my eyes and saw them both, heads bowed, eyes closed, their countenance portraying the fervor of their hearts’ convictions. As I looked at them, I was no longer in my bedroom in South Carolina in 2020, but I was in another bedroom, in another country, over a decade ago.
I traveled through the years, visiting a number of bedrooms, seeing mirror images of the same scene – my son and daughter at various ages with heads bowed, petitioning the Father. A strong feeling of gratitude washed over me, as my mind returned to the present, and I whispered ever so softly, “Thank you, Jesus.”
Those images and that feeling of gratitude stayed with me long after we were finished praying. Later that night, I approached the Father alone and asked that He would preserve that which was implanted in them from early childhood. As I talked to the Father, I was reminded of Philippians 2:13, “For it is God who worketh in you both to will and to do of his good pleasure.” I thanked the Father for working in me BOTH to have the desire AND follow through in regards to being that mother who would teach her children to trust, and therefore, call on God.
As I continued communing with the Father about Grace and John, I remembered my eldest child – Persephanie (Sephie). She was the product of a teenage pregnancy. She was the child I almost aborted; the child I chose to keep, but was never really a mother to. As I thought of Sephie, I heard a voice say to me, “What were you doing with Sephie when she was 12 and 14 years old, the ages that John and Grace are now? You did not do for her, when she was in her early childhood, what you did for them? You gave her what money could buy, showered her with gifts but failed to instill a love for and trust in God the Father. You gave her things but gave them God. You are to be blamed for how she turned out. You were not a good mother!”
A wave of guilt and regret washed over me, just as gratitude did just a few hours earlier. Again, I whispered ever so softly, “Lord, I am sorry. Please forgive me.” This has been a cry of my heart, most times when I think of my eldest daughter. I often have to remind myself that God has already forgiven me and I need to embrace that forgiveness and forgive myself. It is a battle I face from time to time, a battle with guilt and regret.
Nevertheless, true to His character, the Lord God did not condemn me, but immediately reminded me of the truth. Once again, my mind traveled back in time, walking through the years from the time I knew of her conception up to when she left home for college. I was reminded that back then it was all about me – my hurt, my pain, my abandonment, my needs. On the outside, Sephie was a well-cared for child, all of her physical needs were met, but there was no emotional connection that would serve as a bridge for impartation. I was too busy searching for my needs to be filled.
Not so now! I have lived long enough to learn through experience that my life is NOT about me nor for me. My life is for and about my assignment, my purpose; for the saving, nurturing, and preserving of those whom God has entrusted to me. The Lord God reminded me that learning and embracing that truth has made me free and now I am free to address the consequences of my past missteps.
The Lord God reminded me, “IT’S NOT OVER YET! “
The Lord God reminded me, “IT’S NOT TOO LATE!“
Sephie is my seed and she too is blessed. He promised in Isaiah 49:24-25, “… For I will contend with him who contends with you, and I will save your children.” He also promised in Jeremiah 31:16-17 that He will reward the work of my hand and cause my children to return from the land of the enemy.
My dear sisters, the adversary of my soul wanted me to be weighed down by shame, guilt, and regrets so that, once again, it would be about me and not about my purpose of preserving lives, my child’s life. But thanks be to God, who causes us to triumph through Christ Jesus, I was able to hear a word from the Lord God, YOU ARE NOT TOO LATE….IT’S NOT OVER!!
As women, this is another common battle that we have to learn to face and conquer: forgiving ourselves for the things we regret doing/not doing and gaining strength to face the consequences of those decisions. If you are wrestling against the spirits of shame, guilt, and/or regrets, know that God is not holding your past against you. He is waiting for you to come and reason with Him so that He can direct your path in pursuing, overtaking, and recovering all.
I left my conversation with the Lord, having an assurance that although my daughter – my firstborn – is currently being held captive in the camp of the enemy, God is with me to go get her, overtake the head start of the enemy, and RECOVER ALL!
Dear Father, Please grant me the faith, courage, and endurance to keep on pursuing the adversary who took my daughter, until I have overtaken him and recovered all, IN JESUS’NAME, Amen!
DIG DEEPER:
- Devotional: It’s Not Too Late! PURSUE ….
- Prayer Room: Warfare for My Children